Episode 3: Cheese on the Brain

In which our heroes meet someone new, eat cheese, and throw shade.

Thank you for listening!

Thanks to @kurryschatter for the logo design. Music tracks are by Kevin Macleod at incompetech.com. The tracks used in this episode are: Our Story Begins, Enchanted Valley, and The Forest and the Trees.

Find Us Online:

– www.dicefiends.com

– www.patreon.com/dicefiends

– www.twitter.com/dicefiends

Cast and Crew:

– Dungeon Master: Eric Szypulski

– Molpadia: Amanda Joyce

– Semloh: Angel Powell

– Gwennis: Kiara Mueller

– Kallista: Sarah Wheatley

– Muhmed: Jeff (guest)

About Us:

The Dice Fiends podcast is a live play Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition podcast featuring a wonderful cast of chuckle-friends. This group of Fiends are composed of an unlikely combination of people brought together by Dungeons and Dragons. We are a collaboration of D&D experts and D&D newbs, but most of all, we’re fiends for the sound of rolling dice.


Eric: Hello, and welcome to the third episode of Hezra’s Hellraisers, a Dice Fiends 5th Edition adventure. When we last left our heroes, they completed their quest to see the Blood Dagger destroyed. But no sooner did they come up from Fliplock’s underground lab when they had been greeted by Wonderous Mishri and learned the news of a wolf attack in town. Can the Hellraisers get to the bottom of this new menace? Or will more people meet a grizzly end at the jaws of hungry wolves? Let’s find out…

Ok, so, last time — last time we played the party had set out from the town of Goldcliff. They had a very trying travel — more emotionally than anything else — and they finally reached Fliplock’s house, delivered the dagger, saw it destroyed, and met the person staying with him known as Aegis. And then, as y’all were — as y’all [inaudible] the dagger destroyed you heard that there had been wolf attacks in the town of Old Oak.  Normally there aren’t as many wolf attacks because wolves are freaking scared of humans and humanoids. They’re dangerous (the humanoids). So — I mean, it’s true! It’s real life…

Kiara: Yeah, you’re not wrong.

Eric: I’m just saying, I’m just saying. So, Fliplock asked you all to go talk to the mayor so you can find out what was happening. Ok, Muhmed, when you came to town after a rather harrowing experience in a mansion — maybe you were hoping for a little R&R, maybe something normal — and you stay one night in town and on that morning you heard how a couple had been killed outside of town by what looks like a pair of wolves. And that’s where we — let’s say you went to see the mayor about it. So, let’s go to the Hellraisers: Kallista, Gwennis, and Mol. Semloh went off to go do some investigating in another part of town. As the young wizard Wonderous Mishri — that’s what I decided his name was.

Sarah: Wonderous Mishri

Kiara: Wonder…?

Eric: Let’s see… yep! Wonderous Mishri: he took you to the mayor’s house because his adopted father is there to — the town herbalist known as Galvin Glorious.

Amanda: Why do I feel like everyone in this town needs to have a “whip it out” contest?

Eric: Not everyone in this town has…

Amanda: You have “Wondrous” and “Galvin the Glorious”.

Eric: No, not “Galvin the Glorious”, “Galvin Glorious”. There’s no “the” there.  There’s also “Mark Justice” but you don’t know about that yet.

Sarah: So we see the herbalist —

Kiara: Are these the heroes?

Eric: … I dunno.

Amanda: Yeah, we need potions, probably

Eric: Ok, well, if you ask Wonderous Mishri to… he’s at the mayor’s currently. He said he would be discussing how to get rid of the wolves for the mayor. So, if you go with him, he’ll take you to the house.

Sarah: Ok

Eric: So, going through the town… it’s not a small… it’s an area between what Springleaf was — a major city — and Goldcliff, which was just a few houses. You see shops, you see people wandering about, you see attractions like “Come fight rats in the sewers”, you see people just milling about bartering.  Then he takes you to a house and you can hear the yelling from inside. Muhmed?

Jeff: Mm-hmm?

Eric: Your backstory is that you left the church of Sesmik to go out and fight evil in the world and right wrongs…

Jeff: Yes.

Eric: So would it be out of character for you, after you had heard about the wolf attacks, to go to the mayor and see if there was any way you could help?

Jeff: Yeah, that sounds great.

Eric: Ok, so you go there and when you get there you see a young child leading a tiefling, a human, and a dwarf towards the mayor’s house.  Make me a wisdom check right quick Mol and Muhmed.

Amanda: Natural 20!

Sarah: It’s back!

Amanda: Yes!

Eric: Oh, nice!

Jeff: I have 22.

Eric: 22! See, that’s good!

Amanda: Natural 20 so… [inaudible]

Jeff: If we realized…

Eric: So —

Amanda: Just saying! Just saying!

Eric: She’s having to show off, I see how it is.

Amanda: Hey I had massive [inaudible] last time.

Eric: I see how it is.

Amanda: Except for that one set.

Eric: So, you all are walking towards the mayor’s house, Muhmed is coming to offer his services, and you see a woman in — what kind of armor are you wearing, Mol?

Amanda: Um, I am wearing chain mail. Nothing special about it, it’s very plain.

Eric: You see a woman in armor, sword on hip, with chain mail and a shield on her back.  The sword looks like it’s in shitty shape, and you get a flash like “hey… is that Mol?”. Would you like to call out to her?

Jeff: Sure!

Jeff (as Muhmed): MOL!!

Eric: You turn around like “who the fuck just screamed my name?” and you see one of your old friends from before you were adopted to Hezra’s and —

Amanda (as Molpadia): Holy shit! Wha– where have you been??

Sarah (as Kallista): What… what is happening?

Amanda: How would I even recognize him, I mean he’s like, he was 5!

Kiara: You recognize him!

Sarah: Mol never forgets a face.

Kiara: Don’t worry about it! It’s fine!

Amanda: Even when it’s aged 20 years.

Jeff: Apparently.

Sarah: Maybe he’s got a baby face.  You don’t know. Actually, you would…

Eric: Maybe he just has a picture of himself when he was young just taped to the side of his shoulder.

Amanda: Just like, “Have you seen this child?”

Eric: “Have you seen this child?” It’s me.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Muhmed, what are you doing here?

Sarah (as Kallista): Uh, who is this?

Jeff (as Muhmed): Looking for work, I guess.

Amanda (as Molpadia): A blast from the past, actually. Um, before I came to Hezra’s — I think I told you! Maybe I didn’t — but there was a group of kids that I used to run with in the town and Muhmed was one of them (he was actually the runt of the litter). When we all got taken in, I went to Hezra’s but everyone else stayed with the cleric.

Sarah (as Kallista): Huh, ok I mean that’s cool I guess. Can we keep going?

Kiara (as Gwennis): Kallista! Manners!

Jeff (as Muhmed): Nice to meet you…

Amanda (as Molpadia): Oh yeah sorry this is Kallista and this is Gwennis, we were all siblings at Hezra’s, she kind of took care of all of us.

Sarah (as Kallista): ‘Sup, Mumu?

Amanda (as Molpadia): I don’t think he’s gonna like that nickname…

Sarah (as Kallista): Well, if he doesn’t like it he can tell me himself.

Jeff: Eh, I don’t think he would either. [laughs]

Amanda: I think Kallista’s feeling a little threatened right now, jeez!

Sarah: Maybe she is!

Amanda (as Molpadia): So what work are you looking for?

Amanda: It’s very hard when I can’t see his face, it’s really hard, I have no idea where to focus right now! [laughs]

Jeff: I’m smiling.

Amanda: I never realized how hard this was!

Kiara: Focus on those colored eyeballs!

Amanda (as Molpadia): What kind of work are you looking for? What happened to you?

Jeff (as Muhmed): I’m here to fend off the evil and darkness in the world.

Sarah (as Kallista): Good luck.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Kallista… can you… nevermind. Alright, um…

Kiara (as Gwennis): Uh, hi?  Kallista, why don’t you and I just head ahead and let them catch up.

Sarah (as Kallista): See, now that sounds more interesting.

Kiara (as Gwennis): I’ve got wine if you need more motivation.

Sarah (as Kallista): Let’s go.

Amanda: Molpadia mouths “thank you” at Gwennis, a little surprised at how she’s been treating Gwennis.

Amanda (as Molpadia): So… what do you mean by… any specific evil that you’re looking to banish?  That’s a pretty tall order, there’s a lot of suckky in this world.

Jeff (as Muhmed): Well, after a few years at the Chapel of Sesmik, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough there so I took off on my own and came to this town in search for wolves, as a start.

Amanda (as Molpadia): You were staying in the chapel?  Did you become like a cleric or something?

Jeff (as Muhmed): Yeah, a priest!

Amanda (as Molpadia): Ok… uh, well… uh… how was that? I mean, clearly not great because you left… well, uh, we’ve been kind of I guess taking out wolves …

Amanda: God, Mol’s awkward…

Sarah: [laughs]

Jeff: Jesus [laughs]

Amanda: Mol does not have good talking skills! This is not her skill set, you guys! We’ve all established this.

Sarah: What are you, some kind of nerd?

Amanda: I mean she has a +1 in Charisma so she’s not horrible but she’s not really talented at it.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Uh, so… uh…

Kiara: [laughs]

Jeff: Muhmed’s got a -1 in Charisma, so this is very fun.

Kiara: Oh, this is just a Conversation of Awkward.

Jeff: Pretty much.

Kiara: The only way this could be worse is if this was a blind date someone set up.

Eric: Maybe someone… it’s like a high school reunion!

Sarah: Never been to one, thank god.

Eric: “So what are you doing now?” ‘Oh, you know I’m just running around fighting evil…’ “Oh I’m fighting evil too, isn’t that so funny?”

Sarah: “Isn’t that so great? That we’re both fighting evil?”

Jeff: “My phone’s ringing, I’m gonna…”

Sarah: If your phone’s ringing, Jeff, you should go take care of that.

Jeff: [laughs]

Sarah: Oh, OH! I was like “What?”

Amanda: I was like “go answer it!”

Jeff: That’s what Muhmed would say…

Amanda (as Molpadia): So, yeah! We were on our way to go talk to somebody about some wolves, too, maybe we’re out to try and destroy the same evil or something…

Amanda: Oh by the way, Mol has a little celestial flying squirrel familiar that’s kind of usually just chilling on her shoulder, so..

Jeff: Who?

Amanda: Mol does, my character, Molpadia.

Jeff: Oh that’s why I didn’t know how to say anything

Amanda: Yeah, there you go. Um, Tsette is a celestial flying squirrel. It’s her spiritual companion familiar.

Eric: Alright, as as they’re having this awkward conversation, Mol introducing [inaudible], we go back to Gwennis and Kallista, who as you’re approaching the mayor’s house you can hear the yelling of a man, very angry, you can’t quite make out the words.  But the door flies open as you approach, and a large — not huge man — but very muscular, with a quiver on his back and a bow just storms out.

Eric (as Galvin Glorious): Come, Wonderous Mishri! Come, Mishri! We have to go back to the shop, that idiot won’t listen to reason!

Eric: And Mishri says…

Eric (as Mishri): Ye– yes sir!

Kiara (as Gwennis): Uh… he– what did he–?

Eric (as Galvin Glorious): Wolves are attacking! I said we kill them, the mayor said let’s wait. That idiot!

Kiara (as Gwennis): Did he give a reason, other–

Eric (as Galvin Glorious): Who cares about the reason! They need to die!

Kiara (as Gwennis): –other than waiting?

Eric: And he storms off.

Sarah: Where does he storm off to?

Eric: He storms off back into town, and as y’all — y’all will probably see, Mol and Muhmed will probably see him with Mishri in tow as y’all keep talking. But the door to the mayor’s house is now wide open and you see a rather rotund man in the doorway looking frazzled as Galvin Glorious walks off.

Sarah (as Kallista): Do you want to talk to him, or do you want to go back to the herbalist’s like we were planning?

Kiara (as Gwennis): I think I’m gonna talk to the mayor, you can talk to the weird guy…

Sarah (as Kallista): I dunno, I kind of feel like it’ll be easier to talk once he has a drink… which it kind of seems like that might be where he’s going… so let’s… how about we talk to the mayor first? I’ll go with you.

Kiara (as Gwennis): Well, you’re not wrong… ok! Alright, alright, alright.

Eric (as the Mayor): Oh, hello I don’t believe I’ve seen you around this place, my name is Tobold, Jeff Tobold.

Sarah (as Kallista): Hi! Hi, we’re new in town, I’m Kallista and this is my sister, Gwennis.

Eric (as the Mayor): Nice to meet you, Gwennis and Kallista.

Sarah (as Kallista): I just noticed a guy storming off and I gotta say, I’m super curious and I didn’t know if maybe you could give me a little hint as to what that was about, perhaps?

Eric (as the Mayor): Oh, that’s Galvin, he’s our local herbalist and really one of the biggest hunters in town.

Sarah (as Kallista): Interesting, interesting. So what were you guys arguing about? He seemed really angry.

Eric (as the Mayor): Come inside, I don’t want to panic the town about it.

Sarah (as Kallista): Ok!

Sarah: What do I see when I walk in?

Kiara (as Gwennis): That’s fair.

Eric: You see a very nicely kept house, some portraits on the wall of him, a woman, and a child. You see a hearth, some chairs around it. Are you looking for valuable things, or…?

Sarah: Just trying to get a feel of the room, read the room, you know.

Eric: It is a very homey kind of home, like, nice, comfortable. There’s probably a tray of cheeses and a bottle of wine on the table where he was attempting to talk business.

Sarah: Ah, yeah… I go stand next to the cheese and wine.

Eric: Yep.

Kiara: Gwennis is not far behind.

Eric: He sits down in one of the cushy chairs — and Mol, are y’all still talking, or…?

Amanda: Do I notice them move inside the building?

Eric: Make me a quick Perception check.

Kiara: I also do the awkward turn around and wave at Mol when I head into the building.

Amanda: 12.

Eric: Yeah, you notice like — you hear the grumping of Galvin and you notice them heading in the building and Gwennis is just like “Hey! Come on!”

Amanda (as Molpadia): I’m sorry, Muhmed, my siblings, they have a tendency to get themselves into situations that I apparently have to get them out of, so… but I’m guessing that might be somebody you want to talk to so, sounds like we’re on the same mission, I guess? Wanna tag along?

Jeff (as Muhmed): Sure, sure…

Jeff: But I think I’m gonna keep some distance behind.

Amanda: Ok so I follow quickly and he follows behind, I guess.

Eric: Ah, how all great parties come together. “Hey we’re doing something, you wanna come along?”

Sarah: Sure, I got nothing else to do today.

Kiara: “What are you doing this Sunday?” – ”I got nothing.” – “I’m going on an adventure, you wanna join me?” – “Yeah, sure, yeah”.

Eric: So y’all go into the house and he’s just about to close the door when Mol comes in and he’ like,

Eric (as the Mayor): Oh, are you —

Sarah (as Kallista): She’s with us!

Amanda (as Molpadia): They’re my sisters.

Eric (as the Mayor): Oh! Ok.

Sarah (as Kallista): Ok —

Amanda (as Molpadia): And he’s with me, he’s with me.

Sarah (as Kallista): Ok, sure, why not.

Eric (as the Mayor): Ok, yeah.

Eric: Is Kallista going to be replaced as a sibling? As the best friend?

Sarah (quietly): Not on my watch…

Kiara: OHH!

Kiara (in the background): FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

Amanda (as Molpadia): I told you, he’s just like a baby brother! I was seven and he was five, I watched out for him. God, chill out!

Amanda: And I totally in-character whisper that to her because I’m pissed off at her being a bitch, ok?

Eric: Oh god…

Kiara: Hold on, hold on, Perception check for Gwennis to hear because she’s right next to Kallista.

Amanda (as Molpadia): He’s just my little brother ok I haven’t seen him in like 20 years. 10 years? 20? Something? I don’t know.

Sarah: I’d like to try to sneak cheese into my bag.

Kiara: It’s been a long-ass time!

Jeff: More than 15.

Sarah: I wrap them in paper first, I wrap it in napkins, first.

Eric: Make me a Slight of Hand.

Sarah: I’ve been rolling 3s up until now…

Kiara: Damnit!

Sarah: On my test rolls…

Kiara: That’s a 5!

Sarah (laughing): I got a nat 1.

Amanda: Can I get an answer to my long rest question, though? Real fast?

Eric: What’s your long rest question?

Amanda: Did we have a long rest after the last game? Or no?

Eric: I’ll say that the breakfast could count as a long rest if you want to spend a hit die to recover that —

Amanda: Nah, it’s just 1.

Eric: Ok.

Kiara: Not worth the hit die.

Sarah: …I got a nat 1 on this…

Eric: Yep. So as they’re talking, Mol is leaning over to you to say “stop being such a bitch, Kallista!” You’re still trying to palm some cheese, but maybe something about Mol referring to Muhmed as a friend or as a little brother just sets you off — you wrap your fingers underneath the tray the cheese is on, push it, and it looks like you just flip the cheese tray up and the wine bottle goes flying.

Amanda: I want to try and catch it! I wanna try to catch it!

Eric: Ok make me — the cheese tray or the wine bottle?

Amanda: Yes. Both. Ok.

Kiara: I will go for the wine! She can go for the cheese, and that’ll be in character.

Eric: Both of you make me a Dexterity save.

Amanda: 8!

Kiara: This is not a good one for me.

Amanda: 8!

Kiara: OH! Oh! Rolled a 19!

Amanda: I didn’t save the cheese.

Kiara: I saved the wine!

Eric: Ok, you’re startled by this Mol, because like, Kallista does have a flair for the dramatic but she’s never just done a cat and just knocked everything off a table. The cheese platter just clatters to the ground.

Sarah (as Kallista): Oh, a muscle spasm, wow… sorry…

Eric: The Mayor turns and looks but Gwennis, as the wine bottle is flying through the air, time slows down for you and in just a moment of serendipity you reach your hand out and you pluck it from the air.

Sarah: Like a babe.

Eric: You catch it, cradling it softly in your hands.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Sorry, sorry…

Sarah (as Kallista): I’m so sorry, my arm, a muscle spasm, and the thing went flying.

Eric (as the Mayor): I’m sorry ma’am. If the cheese wasn’t to your liking —

Amanda (as Molpadia): No, she’s been having that problem, we’ve been trying to get her to a masseuse to work out the kinks, I’m so sorry, can I — uh, I can run and get you some —

Eric (as the Mayor): No, no… Vivienne, can you get us some more cheese? One of our guests accidentally knocked it over.

Eric: You hear what sounds like a teenage groaning from the kitchen after being asked to do something.

Sarah (as Kallista): So… you were saying?

Kiara: Oh good lord.

Eric (as the Mayor): So, unfortunately you’ve come here at a very bad time.

Sarah (as Kallista): Oh my goodness!

Eric (as the Mayor): Four people were attacked by wolves and Galvin Glorious wants to go kill the wolves in the Sacred Grove — he believes they did it. But the coroner said it was unusual for wolf attacks. They said — I’m sorry, my brain is — I must have cheese on the brain, I’m sorry. Vivienne, where’s that cheese? They said that there weren’t any signs of the victims being eaten except they were missing their eyes, tongues, and hearts.

Kiara (as Gwennis): That is… very selective.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Wait, I’m sorry —

Eric (as the Mayor): It is.

Kiara: Gwennis is gonna want to check on this.

Jeff: Is this where —

Amanda: Can I —

Sarah: Go ahead, Jeff.

Jeff: I think I’m gonna interrupt and ask about — does this have anything to do with Religion, here? I think is what Muhmed would be thinking right now?

Sarah: What about Arcana? Maybe it’s related to rituals?

Eric: Um, you can either do Religion or Nature, I will give you different information based on which you do.

Amanda: Ok, Mol’s not gonna care about any of that, she’s just gonna — wait let me clarify.

Eric: You can do Arcana, too.

Amanda (as Molpadia): So, you’re saying these people were killed in a wolf attack, but they’re missing their eyes, ears, and hearts?

Eric (as the Mayor): Yes, all the bites and scratches match up with wolf claws. I don’t know — I personally haven’t released the fact that they’re missing those parts because I don’t want the town to panic, that would be very scary!

Amanda: Mol just reaches up and pets Tsette a little bit.

Sarah: 15 in Arcana.

Eric: Ok, what did you get in Religion, Muhmed?

Jeff: 13.

Eric: 13. And what did you get in Nature, Gwennis?

Kiara: 12.

Eric: 12. So, Gwennis you know that is not a usual thing for wolves — if wolves do attack something, at least if it’s out of hunger, you know they would probably eat it or drag it off. But you do know sometimes if a body is left out overnight in sight of small animals, they will go for soft tissue like the eyes and the tongues, but the heart is like —

Sarah: That’s hard to get to…

Eric: Yeah, that’s hard to get to, so. And both Kallista and Muhmed know that sometimes human hearts are used in rituals because the heart of any living thing carries significance in magic, because when you remove the heart, the thing dies. It’s whole symbolism that powers darker magics.

Sarah: Would I know anything about the Sacred Grove, or just…?

Eric: The Sacred Grove? You wouldn’t, but Muhmed you would know that Sacred Groves are usually protected by Cyrus, what some people believe is the god of the hunt and the wilds. And if people kill creatures in the Sacred Grove or shed blood in the Sacred Grove, according to those religions it’s a very bad thing. Like, you get cursed and shit for that.

Sarah (as Kallista): Well… it’s probably a good thing that you stopped Galvin because… well… you said that he wanted to kill the wolves in the Sacred Grove and I…

Eric (as the Mayor): He wanted to go after the local wolves and our hunters say they usually stay in the Grove.

Kiara (as Gwennis): I mean, this is not 100% typical for wolves either…

Sarah (as Kallista): It sounds like a ritual.

Kiara (as Gwennis): Have the wolves been… I mean…?

Eric (as the Mayor): They’ve been — that’s why I’ve been wanting to go. There has been talk of a Dire Wolf that’s come into the Grove recently, so, I don’t know if that changes things?

Sarah: What do I know about a Dire Wolf with a 19? Arcana and Nature are the same, plus 2.

Eric: Dire Wolf? Oh that’s pretty cool, that’s pretty baller. Let me see!

Kiara: Go, Kallista, go!

Sarah: First roll was a 3, but I’m catching my stride. I know! I’m gonna lose it soon, though.

Eric: Dire Wolves are more intelligent than normal wolves, they’re bigger they’re stronger in every way. They’re not quite human level intelligence, but when they move into somewhere they will become the leader of the pack.

Sarah: Will they have the dexterity to remove somebody’s heart and tongue and eyes?

Eric: They might not, they definitely wouldn’t have dexterity with their hands because they have paws. But if they could get the chest open — they could probably bite out the eyes or tongue — or get the chest open they could probably get the heart out with their mouth.

Sarah: Ok. Cool.

Kiara: But then they would probably if they were hungry they would probably eat all of the soft meat and other organs as well, and not just leave it at the heart, eyes, and tongues.

Eric (as the Mayor): I mean, if you want more information, I’ve already talked with the owner of the Lonely Cat — he is a Tiefling named Emil — and there’s our coroner named Blep over at the butcher’s shop.

Sarah (as Kallista): Hmm, very interesting.

Kiara (as Gwennis): Ok, interesting…

Eric (as the Mayor): Listen, if you could figure out what’s happening before this gets out of control, I’d be happy to pay all of you —

Sarah (as Kallista): How much?

Kiara (laughing): Out of character laugh. Oh Jesus.

Eric: Out of character laugh?

Kiara: Out of character laugh. Gwennis would no necessarily laugh at Kallista asking for more money.

Sarah (as Kallista): I mean to me it just sounds like somebody, somebody went where they weren’t supposed to go.

Eric: Yeah, he’s thinking,

Eric (as the Mayor): I can muster up 300 gold.

Sarah (as Kallista): Each?

Eric (as the Mayor): Yes, each, I can muster up 300 gold for the 4 of you.

Sarah: Is there anything valuable in the room that I can see?

Eric: Well there is the tray of cheese.

Sarah: So the tray is silver, um, but like is there anything — is there any trinkets?

Kiara: There was!

Jeff: There was, yeah.

Eric: Make me a Perception check.

Sarah: I know you didn’t plan that part! Uh…

Eric: I don’t know why I didn’t… it’s you.

Sarah: 16 plus 2 is 18.

Eric: You see some very — you see some small trinkets on the mantle above the fireplace, but you are positioned in such a way that you’d currently have to walk past him in order to get to them, but most everything else that’s valuable looks like it would be too heavy to carry out.

Sarah: Ok, so…

Eric: And as you’re talking amongst each other, a young woman with a tray of cheese comes out and she’s 13 at the oldest and she says,

Eric (as Vivienne): Here, father, here’s your cheese.

Eric (as the Mayor): Thank you Vivienne, you can go up to your room.

Eric (as Vivienne): Can I go see Brian?

Eric: And he’s like,

Eric (as the Mayor): No, it’s dangerous out there! Go to your room! Do your studies!

Eric: She just groans and marches up the stairs, making sure to stomp on each stair to register her displeasure at this current event.

Sarah: I would like to, instead of trying to be stealthy about it this time, just grab a freaking handful of cheese and shove it in my pocket. Wrapped up in a napkin, of course, but like… pocket cheese.

Eric: He is kind of shocked at that.

Sarah: And then I pick one up with my other hand and pop it in my mouth.

Sarah (as Kallista): Thanks.

Eric (as the Mayor): I’ve heard about adventurers, I suppose…

Amanda: Mol’s just gonna watch all of this like, “what the hell”?

Eric (as the Mayor): There’s… just… ask around…

Sarah (as Kallista): So 300 each, you say?

Eric: 300 each for the four of you, yes.

Sarah (as Kallista): Well, that sounds good to me, I’m in.

Kiara (as Gwennis): I’m down, I was in for the curiosity but this works too.

Eric: Did you–? Oh curiosity! I thought you said “I was in this for the Genassi” and I was like, “Gwennis’s new goal: get into a Genassi’s pants.” Ok.

Kiara: Eh, sure!

Sarah: Maybe a little bit?

Amanda: Basically just sending our innocent cleric into conniptions every chance we get.

Eric: And then she — don’t worry —

Kiara and Amanda: Poor, sweet child.

Eric: She sent Mol into conniptions and so did Kallista!

Kiara: It’s a give and take relationship.

Amanda: They didn’t send me into conniptions, they sent me into “I’m pissed off at you both right now leave me the fuck alone.”

Eric: Ok.

Sarah: Ok.

Kiara: But we love you!

Amanda: Moving on, we’re gonna find these wolves got it, ok.

Eric: Moving on into the morning of wolves.

Amanda: Wolves.

Eric: Wolves!

Amanda: Giant quotation marks.

Eric (in ghost voice): Wolves!

Eric: Hello dear friends and listeners it is your Dice Fiend GM, Dice Man DM, Game Master, Eric Szypulski. And I’m sorry I called you friends, I meant Afiendcionados. But you know, right before we get back into the investigation we are going to do the sponsor part because we have sponsorship! Anyway, this episode of Dice Fiends was brought to you by Shire Suds! Shire Suds is a zero-waste soap company dedicated to making soaps for people with extra-sensitive or dry skin. These gentle, nourishing soaps are made from ingredients that come from local farms and businesses. Head over to http://www.shiresuds.com and use the coupon code DICEFIENDS at checkout for 10% off your first order of $10 or more. That is D-I-C-E-F-I-E-N-D-S for 10% off an order of $10 or more at shiresuds.com. Let’s get back to the show and see where our heroes exploits take them! Bye!

Eric: Ok, moving on. So, I have devised a system so we wouldn’t just be taking all day talking to some people, so we can spend all day talking to some people! This is the morning of the first day of your investigation. Out of character, and each day you don’t solve the investigation, it may or may not get worse. So I’m breaking each day into 4 parts: morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Each of you can do 1 scene in each part, so if you all split up you’ll be able to do 4 scenes, but you you won’t be able to interfere in another scene for that part. Or if you all want to go to one place you can all do talking, but you’ll only have 1 scene for that period of time.

Sarah: Ok.

Eric: Does that make sense?

Amanda: We can share information with each other later on.

Sarah: About it all.

Amanda: Presumably?

Eric: Yes, yes.

Amanda: I mean, if we want to.

Sarah: Ok, so I say,

Sarah (as Kallista): Thank you so much for your hospitality!

Sarah: And leave the manor so that I can confer with my 3 companions. With ma dudes. Ma bros.

Eric: Ok.

Sarah: Ma friends.

Kiara: Ma-ma-ma friends!

Jeff: I don’t think I’m convinced that we’re friends yet.

Amanda: Dude I saved your life!

Sarah: I’m not talking to you.

Kiara: Mumu, don’t worry, we’ll grow on you! Kind of like cancer.

Sarah: See, I’m wasn’t talking about Muhmed…

Jeff: I think Mol is ok, but uh…

Eric: Before you go —

Kiara: “I wasn’t talking about Muhmed”, ok Kallista.

Eric: The bodies were initially found out by the textile plant, they’ve all been moved to the butcher shop currently because that’s where Blep keeps his coroner’s office. His morgue.

Amanda: Where were they found? They were found by the what plant?

Eric: They were building a textile plant so like, put just like a big factory to knit and sew shit.

Sarah: Looms

Amanda: But they have been moved where?

Eric: They’ve been moved to the morgue which is in the back of the butcher’s.

Amanda: The… butcher’s?

Eric: Butcher’s, yep.

Amanda: He said butt-chers.

Eric: Butt-cher’s. Butcher. Yeah, that’s how you call it! The butt-cher’s!

Kiara: The butcher’s.

Eric: Hey y’all, let’s go down to the butt-cher’s and get some met!

Kiara: Alright, so that’s interesting. So the butcher has the bodies, there’s the site by where they’re trying to make a fiber plant. Do-do-do.

Eric: Yep.

Sarah:  The Mayor mentioned two people…

Eric: He mentioned a tiefling, Emil, who runs the Lonely Cat. He didn’t mention —

Sarah: Lonely Cat?

Eric: Lonely Cat.  He hasn’t mentioned what that is.

Sarah: So it’s an inn…

Eric: There’s of course, Galvin Glorious at Glorious Remedies, the apothecary. Or you could just chat people up around town, see what they have to say about it.

Amanda: I want to go take a look at the bodies.

Sarah: I want to go to the Lonely Cat.

Eric: Ok.

Amanda: Is the Lonely Cat the bar?

Kiara: I am also curious about the bodies.

Sarah: It’s is with the tiefling named Emil —

Jeff: What was the Lonely Cat?

Sarah: And it’s probably an inn/pub. Because there’s always one. And bartenders know everything.

Jeff: Ah.

Sarah: I’m looking at you, Eric. Cause I stand by that.

Eric: Especially when you keep persuading them. “Tell me your secrets!!”

Sarah: “Tell me everything you know!!”

Amanda: What was the name of the bar again?

Sarah: The Lonely Cat.

Amanda: Are you really drinking that out of the bottle?

Sarah: Yes. There’s like —

Eric: She just might be.

Sarah: I’m not gonna drink all of it…

Jeff: What’s the name of the apothecary?

Sarah: Glorious Remedies.

Eric: Galvin Glorious. And the apothecary itself is Glorious Remedies.

Amanda: Is the Lonely Cat also an inn where we could stay, potentially?

Eric: You do not know. You’ll have to go there and find out!

Amanda (as Molpadia): Kallista, wanna go find out if the Lonely Cat is an inn where we can stay and — do what you do — and I’m gonna go look at the bodies because that’s apparently what a soldier does because I know bodies.

Sarah (as Kallista): I can handle an inn. I can handle a bartender, don’t worry

Amanda (as Molpadia): That sounds wrong, but you know what I mean. I’ve seen a lot of dead ones.

Kiara: You make it too easy.

Amanda (about her cat): Sorry, she is dead weight. Guys my cat is like this dead weight right now, I don’t know what to do with her right now. I’m very confused

Kiara: Don’t apologize, it’s great fun are you kidding?

Sarah: Accept it. It’s a blessing.

Kiara: Just wiggle something in front of her face and see how long it takes for her to react.

Eric: Ok, so who’s going where?

Amanda: I’m…

Sarah: Oh, are you going with them? Ok.

Jeff: I’m going with them.

Amanda: Fair enough.

Sarah: I’m going to the Lonely Cat.

Eric: It feels like if he went with you he might get shanked.

Eric (as Kallista): I don’t know where Muhmed went!

Jeff: Yeah, I’m not going anywhere with you.

Sarah (as Kallista): Oh my god, plus 7 Deception!

Eric (as Kallista): Because he doesn’t love you, Mol. We’re your only friends.

Jeff: You didn’t fucking level up?

Eric: You didn’t fucking level up? Ok, so does — let’s say… ok. Gwennis and Kallista, roll me initiative.

Sarah: Such an ominous phrase.

Amanda: He wouldn’t let me do it because he knows I have a plus 3 to it.

Sarah: 17 plus 3 for 20.

Amanda: Oh, she has a plus 3 too, that’s cheating!

Eric: Ok then, Mol roll me initiative.

Sarah: 17.

Kiara: What is it you rolled again? I rolled a 21, bitch.

Amanda: OH!

Eric: Ok, so, we split up. We follow Gwennis, Mol, and Muhmed to the butcher’s shop. And you do see a sign that says — you do see a sign around that says, “ring bell for coroner” inside of the butcher’s shop.

Amanda: My cat is so like… floppy! I don’t know what to do!

Jeff: I’ll ring the bell.

Kiara: It’s basically chocolate milk, 60%. I do tap the bell —

Eric: Ok, Muhmed rings the bell and after that Gwennis just taps the bell. You hear a “ding!” and then a second “ding!”

Kiara: I can’t help it.

Amanda: I just reach over and grab Gwennis’s hand and pull it down.

Jeff: How tall are you?

Eric: “ding!”

Eric (as Blep): I am coming, I am coming!

Eric: You hear ruffling in the back, some crashing, as — not large in the size category, but large for a medium — as a large, bipedal lizard walks out of the back of the shop. You all know this as a Lizardfolk. He looks to you, he’s wearing a smock, he has 2 black gloves on. He’s like,

Eric (as Blep): Ah! How can I help you?

Kiara (as Gwennis): Um, uh, we were told about some mysterious goings-ons…

Eric (as Blep): Oh! Are you here to look at the bodies? Come, come.

Kiara (as Gwennis): Yes.

Eric: He makes his way back and I assume you follow him? Oh alright, you follow him through a meat cooler and he opens up a large, heavy door and ushers you into his morgue, where you see just, the body of an adult male lying on a slab and you see a small oven with some meat sizzling in the back of the morgue.

Eric (as Blep): So, were you contacted by the Mayor? Are you adventurers? I’ve never met adventurers…

Kiara (as Gwennis): A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B, we talked to the mayor —

Eric (as Blep): Ok, my name is Blep, it’s nice to meet you.

Kiara (as Gwennis): Nice to meet you too, uh, I’m Gwennis, this is Mol, and this is — I’m sorry, I’ve —

Jeff (as Muhmed): Muhmed.

Eric (as Blep): Nice to meet you all.

Amanda: Mol’s going to interrupt and, in a very business-like tone, say,

Amanda (as Molpadia): I’m Lieutenant Molpadia, and I’d like to see the bodies and I’d like to have a report of what you’ve found so far.

Eric (as Blep): Well, there was — first there’s Michael.

Eric: He goes over to a wall which is filled with small doors, he opens one up, pulls out a slab.

Eric (as Blep): There’s Michaels Glassick, and his wife Francine Glassick…

Eric: He pulls out another slab.

Eric (as Blep): There was Otto, the gnome that worked for the looms. Michael and Francine were the industrialists, they moved here recently and they were setting up the textile factory outside of town.

Amanda (as Molpadia): And they were human?

Eric (as Blep): They are human — were human. They are bodies now. They are in whatever happens to souls after you die, I suppose.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Understood. And the gnome? What did he do?

Eric (as Blep): Otto Tink? He was the engineer, he was from the Island of Festus, and he was just setting up all the looms.

Amanda (as Molpadia): So they both worked near the same location?

Eric (as Blep): Yes, they were all working at the same location, and this —

Amanda (as Molpadia): And where exactly is that location?

Eric (as Blep): I’m assuming you came in the main entrance to town, near the Triboar Trail? Just go out the entrance to town, follow the river about 2 miles, and you will see the plant that’s under construction. And this lovely fellow was Jeremy Schmidt.

Eric: He pats the body on the morgue table.

Amanda (as Molpadia): And what type of creature is Jeremy? Is he a human, elf, what?

Eric (as Blep): He is a human. He was, as far as anyone knew, he was acting as the night security guard at the loom while it was under construction. You know, all your human problems — make sure teens don’t sneak into the factory to make out, you know, whatever you people do.

Amanda (as Molpadia): So all of these happened at the same location?

Eric (as Blep): They all happened within approximately the same location, and all of the victims.

Amanda (as Molpadia): How many days apart?

Eric (as Blep): All last night. They were found this morning. Michael and Francine on the trail, and the other two at the factory.

Amanda (as Molpadia): But I assume you could tell whether they were killed in near proximity of time to each other or different proximity?

Amanda: Or could I find that out? Could I tell that?

Eric: Yeah you could make a Medicine check.

Amanda: Perhaps Muhmed could better than I could, I don’t know. Or honestly, Gwennis — either one might be better at it.

Eric: If y’all want to examine the bodies, then roll me a Medicine check.

Amanda: Yes.

Kiara: Yes.

Amanda: I rolled a 2. Let me see what my Medicine is. I have a 3! I have a 3.

Kiara: Holy shit.

Jeff: I have a 20.

Amanda: I would know the right questions to ask thanks to military training.

Eric: Oh, that’s good.

Kiara: 20… 22.

Amanda: And I’m going to throw it backwards in that I kind of glance at Gwennis in a very uncomfortable way when I use my rank.

Eric: Ok, and Muhmed?

Jeff: 20.

Eric: 20! See? Ok, you two go over to look at the bodies and maybe you’re talking with each other, like conversing about what you think it is. You know that based on the age, it looks like both Michael and Francine have been dead longer than Otto and Schmidt. And very obviously you can see bite marks on all three of them; Otto’s face is just mangled. Blep comes up to you and says,

Eric (as Blep): So, Michael and Francine; she was found further up the trail than he was, towards town. And he was found with his hand crossbow out, indicating that there was a fight. And they both died of trauma to the head and throat, as you can see here.

Eric: And you can see it’s all fucked up.

Eric (as Blep): Well, mostly trauma to the throat. She was also found with some bites on her ankle, so looks like the wolf chased her.

Amanda (as Molpadia): How are you certain those are bites?

Eric (as Blep): I am a coroner.

Amanda (as Molpadia): I thought you were a butcher.

Eric (as Blep): I am everything I need to be. Butcher, coroner, they both do.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Then perhaps you could answer this question for me: why would a wild creature — a wolf — dig through the chest cavity, skipping all the other vital organs that are probably, I assume, tasty tidbits, to go for the heart?

Eric (as Blep): Oh, they are very tasty. do you want me to say — is this if you prevented me from saying they don’t? Because it’s either they don’t, or they’re being controlled by someone.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Who?

Eric (as Blep): But, I have a question for you. Do you see this fellow on my slab?

Amanda: Mol nods.

Eric (as Blep): The other three died from whatever attacked them — the other three died from physical wounds. Do you want to take a guess of what he died from?

Eric: And Schmidt does have several bites on his body but nothing looks like it would be fatal.

Amanda: Would I know they don’t look fatal, from my military training?

Eric: Um, yeah. You would know — maybe you have seen, in the past, after a battle — you know the difference between “ok, we can save him” and “nah, he’s dead”. Nah, bitch is dead. Yeet.

Kiara: He gone.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Well from the look of the bites they wouldn’t kill him.

Eric (as Blep): Yes. According — and I checked this — according to my analysis of his body, he died of hypothermia on a summer night.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Wait, he died of…

Amanda: I glance at Gwennis, because I don’t know what the fuck would cause that.

Kiara: Would I — do I need to make another roll or would my original 22 give me an idea —

Eric: For medicine? Dying of hypothermia, like, what you know about that is like — maybe if he was killed by extreme cold temperatures.

Jeff: Frostbite.

Kiara: Ok, but would the weather and conditions of this area —

Eric: It’s been very pleasant. Nice, summer weather.

Kiara: Not conducive for that…alrighty. I’m gonna have a quick guess at arcana and make an Arcana check just to be sure. Ok that’s the wrong — sorry Dove.

Amanda: Oh shit… what?

Kiara: Don’t worry about it.

Amanda: No, I am definitely not Avrae.

Kiara: You’re not Avrae.

Amanda: You’re still using that for your dice rolls, I’m going to judge you immensely for it.

Kiara: I don’t have a dice tray, I don’t want to roll right next to my mic.

Eric: Oh, so that’s how she’s been getting 20s all night, I see.

Jeff: She just types 20.

Amanda: Avrae screws me over every time.

Kiara: Yeah, that’s exactly it.

Sarah: My PbP, I was a ranger and was trying to roll Animal Handling and every time I tried to roll Animal Handling for a wild rhino I got a 3. And then I would go into bot commands and I’d roll again for Animal Handling and I would get like 20s.

Kiara: Yeah, well…

Amanda: Yeah, cause you wasted the roll. It’s actually a logarithm, whereas–

Sarah: Well one time I was like “I’m gonna get out all the bad ones” so I went into the bot channel and kept rolling d20s and I kept getting all like, above 15 ,and then I’d go into my channel and I’d roll and they’d all be below 10. It knows.

Eric: It knows.

Sarah: Its knows.

Eric: It knows. Ok so, you know there are a lot of cold effects in magic, like Ray of Frost and such — maybe that did it, but yeah.

Kiara (as Gwennis): It’s probably magic, I got that much, I just — I can’t get any other deeper clues.

Eric (as Blep): Well, I am glad we are agreeing that cold on a summer’s night is magic.

Kiara (as Gwennis): Look here, sometimes it’s good to check the obvious.

Eric (as Blep): It is, that’s why I already did it. That’s what we have here.

Kiara (as Gwennis): I’m gonna go ahead and make an educated guess that wolves are not very good for random bits of cold magic.

Eric (as Blep): I mean, yes, it’s very uncommon for wolves to be able cast cold magic strong enough to kill a man. I mean I’m not trying to throw shade here — is that what you humans say? I am not —

Kiara (as Gwennis): Alright! The salt is apparent don’t worry I am catching that.

Eric (as Blep): I am not quite familiar with your lexicon.

Kiara (as Gwennis): You’re close enough, shade is true.

Amanda (as Molpadia): I think we’ve got all we’re going to get from here.

Eric (as Blep): Well, come back if you think of any more questions I’ll be happy to answer them as best as I can.

Amanda (as Molpadia): One question — do you really have something on the slab while you have something cooking over there?

Eric (as Blep): Yes, I need to eat.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Do you provide the food to the Lonely Cat?

Eric (as Blep): They don’t really ask for food, they mainly barter in drink– they get that from other places in town.

Amanda (as Molpadia): Thank you.

Eric (as Blep): Are you looking —

Amanda (as Molpadia): No! I’m good, thanks.

Eric (as Blep): Are you sure?

Amanda: Mol’s gonna leave.

Eric: He just takes a piece out of the skillet and just pops it into his mouth as y’all leave.

Sarah: Ugh, grody.

Amanda: With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Eric: Well, you didn’t roll a Perception to see what was in the skillet, so…ok.

Amanda: My stomach is already upset enough, I’m good.

Eric: So let’s go over to Kallista. Kallista, you go over to the Lonely Cat. You pass an inn on your way over there, and the Lonely Cat has a sign up outside of it stating it as such, but it looks like a big house with two — it looks like an older house, but someone in the past few years did renovations and just added two rooms that look like giant elf ears on each side of the house.

Sarah: Wow, someone really didn’t hire a decorator.

Eric: You go in the door, it dings, and a cat with a bow tie just hops up onto a stand and just meows at you.

Sarah (as Kallista): Hey kitty! Hey kitty.

Sarah: I’d like to pet the cat.

Eric: What awaits Kallista at the Lonely Cat? Answers to the mystery, or just more questions? Find out next time on Hezra’s Hellraisers, a Dice Fiends 5th Edition adventure. The Dice Fiends are Sarah Wheatley, Amanda Joyce, Kiara Mueller, and Angel Powell, with Jeff as our special guest. DM’ing and producing is done by Eric Szypulski, our logo designed by @KurrysChatter, and the music is done by Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com. Track listings are in the show notes. You can find more information about the show, including transcripts, on our website. You can also find us on Twitter @dicefiends and at Twitch.tv/thedicefiends where you can see us do D&D related stuff or make poor attempts at playing video games. If you want to support the show you can do so by going to iTunes and leaving us a rating and review. It helps other people find the show. And if you really want to support the show, you can become a Patron of ours on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. And until next time, remember: Sarah is an expert at D&D and if you don’t agree with something she did, you can fight her.


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